I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
