Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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