ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
