hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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