i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
