I faked an abortion last night.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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