I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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