I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
