Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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