I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
