yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
