So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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