I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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