hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
