I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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