I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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