Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize