I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
