You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just gift wrapped bread.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
