There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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