I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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