Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
