and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So. Much. Porn.
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