every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
