Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
