I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
