Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
