All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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