my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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