Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
