if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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