From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level