I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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