i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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