I've blown a few things in my day
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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