the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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