Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
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