totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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