I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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