Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
