i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
