i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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