i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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