Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize