I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
