I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
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High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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