just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
