There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
