You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
