So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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