Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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