im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
