I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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