remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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