): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
