I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
