He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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