like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
