I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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