I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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